What Should I Do Next?¶
I am deeply frustrated by how much I have struggled to be present in the last few weeks. Every morning, I arrive at work with my carefully planned hourly schedule, yet I find myself resisting the very first task. Instead, I feel an overwhelming urge to read an article or watch a quick YouTube video—just to ease into the day. My mind rebels like a cat being forced through an opening, back-peddling and resistant. And so I wonder: Do I have control over my mind? Can I ever become disciplined in my thoughts?
Human biology is such a delicate and complex balance of chemicals, hormones and electrical signals. My distractions, cravings, and mental irritations—especially when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired—are often beyond my conscious control. The chemistry of the brain does not simply shift through willpower or knowledge. Paul captures this struggle perfectly in his letter to the Romans “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Brain chemistry only changes through active bodily actions over time—new habits, rituals, or disciplines which themselves are difficult to do (for the same reasons).
There is one prayer that comes from the wisdom of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) literature that I have prayed in a moment of resistance:
True presence is not achieved by force but by surrender. I cannot master my mind in an instant—but I can trust God to guide me, one surrendered moment at a time.